(A brief personal note: I will be offline for all of next week, so I am publishing this article a few days early. Please expect that I will take some time to get back to any comments or responses.)
I spend a lot of time in Montessori parenting groups, especially on Facebook. I love seeing all the wonderful ways parents support their children, but I also see a lot of misconceptions about Montessori and what parents should be doing.
Perhaps the second most common misconception (the most common misconception is that it's all about the "stuff", but I'll write about that on another day) is that parents should be playing with their children or "giving them lessons". It's not surprising that parents (at least American ones) believe this, as we are constantly steeped in messages telling us to embrace the "Learning Activity Virus" or risk our children falling hopelessly "behind" and failing at life.
But this idea that we should be teaching or playing with our children goes against the central tenet of Montessori's philosophy: non-interference. To put it simply, the heart of Montessori is Never interrupt a concentrating child. Dr. Montessori herself says in Maria Montessori Speaks To Parents,
All children should be left a great deal to themselves, to play as we adults call it – though in reality they are carrying out important activities which strengthen their intelligence...Even if it merely consists of fitting a cork in a bottle and pulling it out again, the child is learning muscle control and mental accuracy. His attention is concentrated, and when he is ready for something more complicated this little activity will cease to interest him. (56)
...and we explained to her [a mother] how important it is not to try to share a child’s occupations unless he asks for help. So long as a child is actively interested in what he is doing and there is no harm in his activity, he is definitely working on his own development. Besides any new idea he may be grasping, he is developing concentration and self-discipline.(38)
Essentially, your job as a parent is to provide your children with some worthwhile objects to explore, people to connect with, and the tools they need to care for themselves as independently as possible, and then wait quietly by until they ask for help, trusting that they are building themselves. Even staring out the window has value for your child.
So I should just sit there?
Yes, at least some. This is observation and it is extremely valuable for getting to know your child and their interests. The trick is to try to understand what your children are doing and what they are trying to do, and resist the urge to judge or try to figure out how to get them to do more. Unless your child is at actually risk of hurting herself or someone/something else, leave her alone!
But it's important to realize that watching too much, especially if your children are older, can be quite disturbing to the child and make them feel like you are judging or assessing them. Let your children have their privacy! So long as your child is in a safe place, you are not a neglectful parent if you go off and do your own thing, or you sit nearby and read a book or knit or otherwise occupy yourself.
Here are some questions I try to ask when observing:
- What body/facial language indicates concentration?
- What is currently attracting my child's concentration?
- If my child is not concentrating on anything, can I identify what might be getting in the way?
- What do they do when they are struggling or frustrated?
For a deeper dive into observation, check out this article.
But what about the desire to be together?
"But my child likes to be with me! And I like spending time with my child!"
Yes, togetherness is an important part of healthy family life, and a sense of connection – of mattering to someone – is critical to everyone's psychological health. Here's the trick: children are built to join the community around them, so don't join your child in their world; invite your child into yours.
Children, especially young ones, love to be helpful. So think about ways your child can participate in your activities: helping to load the dishwasher, preparing dinner, coming along on errands, "writing" in their own notebook while you journal in yours. Eventually, maybe helping with some of your actual work. I started helping my dad balance the checkbook when I was ten or so, and I remember how proud I was to be able to do such a grownup task.
Keep in mind also that togetherness is as much about a sense of warmth and common cause as it is about collaborating on the same task at all times. Putting your two-year-old in the shopping cart and discussing what you're buying is as much togetherness as sitting on the floor giving a "lesson". For young children, togetherness can also be physical: wearing your toddler or putting him in the cart and letting him watch what's happening around him is also a form of togetherness.
Finally, the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" is absolutely true. The idea of the nuclear family – not as a living arrangement, but as an indiependent unit – is a historical and cultural aberration. Children have always been raised and cared for by "alloparents" – siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and friends – alongside their own parents. Cultivate your own village in whatever way you can, and appreciate what those alloparents have to offer. trying to provide all the togetherness your child needs by yourself is a recipe for burnout and resentment. It's not healthy for you or your child.
In Summary
It's okay to relax! More than lessons and carefully prepared materials, your child needs time to explore and role models to observe. So instead of being a teacher, be yourself and let your child see you doing the things you value, whether that's reading, creating, working, visiting sick relatives, or doing the dishes.